the turning point whether trust or??

well tuesday 3/2/09 is the saddess day in my life??? But i still pretended in front of all my friends nothing and as usual and help them do the design for name card, system admin, create a solution for them untill i almost finish it up i can't bare anymore and i went in to room and tears start flowing like water... i wanna shout but i can't since there are about 8 people in my house and i don't want them to know.... You know y i'm so sad??? y becoz i been told something happen in my relationship... she said that we had a problem... and i dunno wat have i did wrong.... i ask and ask and she been avoiding me since monday...... as i'm a senstive person i sense that she have a third party in life.... and i force and force and finally he told me situation is that me and her have a barrier within and she wan time to think becoz of something very confusing... she said she confuse in our relationship and i felt weird... i straight walk out of the house seems i have a depression since she avoid me..... and my heart getting heavyier and heavyier... i cry, smash the lift as i dunno wat happen between us as we are still ok before the sem break and still msg during cny..... i out take a cab and straight buy dozen and dozen of beer.... i drank and drank and drank..... and i finally forget the problem in the moment.... one minute i fiished up 2 large bottle of beer.... well tell u frankly is hard to swallow and u drink in a rush way is easy for u to get choked and u will felt wanted vomit due to the gases.... then i finally drunk and the girl trying to find me when when my god sis been waiting for me for quite long in my condo and msged her where am i as my god sis can't reach me..... The girl call me few times and i was so drunk i even don't regconise her voice and she ask me where am i.... i really can't differential where is the place as i ak the cab to put me in the mid way and i drank and walk and walk untill i drop... i also dunno y i felt that sad...?? i been asking myself what did i do wrong what did i do wrong... but i think and think and i really can't think of anything......... i shouted smash the beer bottle as i was so sad and i don't know y that i had been not talking vulgar words for a long time as i forbidden myself to do so but due to the flow in my heart i shouted all out and i dunno why i can combine all the vulgar words and just shouted out in one breath..... it was a bit relax for a while and the feeling start come back.... well i been with this girl de half a year and frankly i love her more each day and i even told all my family members and all my friends that she will be the one for me and i tell myself she the one..... but it crushed just like that..... crushed, crushed.... i ask god what did i do in life to get such a hard punishment???? i'm an easy going person and i hardly get offended and get angry and even u ask me to help u do something and if within my range i will help no matter i have the time or not as i like to help people and make them happy... i ask HIM it is i help people deserve this kind of punishment???/ I never lie or go behind people back and i can swear to god i do things righteously and ecthically. This relationship is my 1st official relation because i'm the guy that won't start a relationship with a girl that easily and if i do so thats mean i'm serious on it... due to this i missed few chances althought some of it the girl even voice it out...we had gone to movie, go out and even msg day and nite but i said NO! NO! NO! why because i know that i can't give her what they want on that time and i really haven't ready for it.... So is this make HIM punished me like that?? I just want to make sure that when the girl with me i wanted to make sure that she will be happy and i don't want to have uncertain relationship.... i want commitment in it.... even i think back the few relationship that doesn't started i was happy to make the decision because i did't want them to fall into the hole and then get hurted.... well for them we are still friends and even we go out sometimes as friends..... BUT is to much for me now.... the current situation i'm having.... i been fallen into the hole much deeper then i thought..... my heart scatter and it hurt reallly that much that i been having a big stone on my chest and i can't breath... that night ii drunk and when i'm a bit concious i ask her, what had happen between us, and finally push and push he told me he love another guy... i said who and she don't want to tell and finally i guess the right one just as i predicted this one will happen 3months ago.... i already tell her that don't go out with this guy and she tell me can't i know more friends??? but the problem u know the guy through internet and if a guy suddenly always msg u and always in the midnight 3am to 4am is that call friend??? sometimes the word is so flirty and when i see i piss off.... i dy said that guy have some feeling on her but what she told me you are too jealous when ever i want to go out with a guy... man i'm a senstitive person and i can know what i see and sense... i'm the person that can judge a person by its look and and the way they speak even throught msg and the photo, i know is hard to believe but is truth.... 1st time if i saw the guy and i judge is not the right type to be friends i will not pursue myself for it even if rich or he personnaly socialise with me.... many of my friends felt weird why sometimes i like this like i don't like a person and feeling not happy.. well i just shut my mouth and time proven i was right is not worth to take them....... people said never judge a book by its cover but my feeling and alertness have proven me i'm right from the start since in form 2 i been like this.... i can felt the person limitness of a joke can be taken or sometimes overtalk but hence some can be over it and doens't know they get over the border.... i'm not here to praise myself but is the truth.... from the beginning i tell her that i'm this kind of person and she will tell me stop nonsence. don't be so anaylitical or over sesitive but how many did i proven is right??? The guy she know it through the net and she was so brave to go out with him the 1st time and know just in a short time.... Few months ago i already ask her to intro to me the boy and said i'm his bf but hence it nv happen.... i know they have been sms each other but it stoped for a while but last sem i dy sense back they got msg each other but hence i just shut my mouth.... as she easy to get piss off.... and i really don't wan to argue.... See and know really with that guy he had the feeling on.... he even told me that the guy felt the same and even told her??? i was so mad and ask for more... and she frankly tell everything that she even go to the guy house b4.,.... omg after hearing this i was so angry and piss off i want to find the guy out and settle it once and for all..... she still my gf and he bring him to his house and hence she follow.... bull shit.... and what make me more and more and more and more angry is... they go behind my back which is the most offended thing in my life... u told me and i know is ok but if you go behind my back i can tell you i will remember this for the rest of my life and as long as i am alive i will revenge on this... yes revenge coz i dy said i'm easy going person anything i can accept but behind my back is a definitely no..... no reason to talk to this.... i frankly tell i will do it miserably and make those ppl go behind my back regret as i believe in my ability to do things is a definitely done percentage.... when i get into it and if i don't have the ability to do now i will do it later.... same as my uncle... i can help him get his business and he been earning profit from my idea but if he bully his sister(my mom) i can assure he get what he deserve.... i had a principle in life that is as long as i could accept the fact and u did't do anything unectical behind my back i won't revenge as i had to do so.... revenge is a bad thing but when it get up my head you will get it from me the worst nightmare in your life.... frankly those know me can't think i can be this kind of person becoz i nv mad b4 and i mean it althought something really bad happen i can still smile and ntg becoz i learn to think b4 i act.... only few in the range of my friend see me mad b4 and when i mad the whole world around me know but i will jst angry and did't do any action but for those thing that 100% i will revenge is behind my back, treaten my family or bully my family and last use me just for his own good my feeling like that i will swear to god as long as i live in this world i will make YOU miserable in life... Yes i'm the worst nightmare people could never think i could do this kind of bad things.... but is fair enough for me as long as u hurt me nevermind but if u do those three things i will use all my power and resource i have to take you down to the ground even if he's a dato or minister.... i swear to god don't wrong estimate my ability as for now i nv use up all my brain juices as i the lazy person that won't make the planning 1st but i will do it on the spot i have and the effort i put in... frankly untill now in my life i nv pour 100% of my brain effort into something and i jsut think i write and nv change thats y when my friend ask me to repeat the idea it will be better and longer thats y untill now my course mate will ask me speak slowly becoz the 2nd time i said will be different and same as my revenge i will pour 100% on it..... don't challenge me!!!
Yes she go behind my abck and yes i would like to revenge and she told me that they stay in separate room and house and i try to calm down and i decided to trust her as i really love her.... but the problem is she lie to me.... omg... as that sunday she suppose to company me thats y i so early abck but she told me tonight no places in my car so all girls and u no need go... i was so sad man... dissapointed the 2nd time she dished me like that.. 1st is to a concert 2nd is this..... i msg her and i was angry and i walk out... and u know what when she finsih her movie she nv msg me and i msg her where is she and she wrote i wan sleep de tired.... and i said where is the company u promise and just reply sorry sorry sorry..but hence she at the guys house.... i felt so cheated... i know that just by wednesday..... and the next morning i msg her in the morning and ask her for breakfast or lunch i sent almost 10 msg and called and she reply a short msg sorry not free... omg then i msg and msg and nv reply untill wednesday she still in the guy house coz she told me she stay there and back in the afternoon... o man behind my back and hence lie on the spot this is the cruel things to me but i choose to calm down and she msg me the whole day and told me the whole story... i ask her that the boy smoke, beer, clubbing and gamble why she still like him since she hate all this and even he go to cybercafe and when i just open up my computer and play games jst awhile she get piss off but him..... she reply coz he leave far and jst see one day or two day in a week u is always.. and i pissed off and ask then he go behind ur back becoz this u also ok and she just reply dunno... dunno..... o man for the god sake there is two different personality in her... i'm the good one hence she order me around angry me with this and that but those thing that she angry are doing by him...him.... i ask and ask untill i a time where i said ok... i don't mind you have a friend nor you go to his house to sleep but u must promise me that as long as is not behind my abck and tell frankly wat have you guys done and don't do the unectically and the 10 commandments in christ i swear to god i won't jealous nor said anything and update herself and reply my msg.... and she said ok... untill the time i ask for comfirmation are we still together.. she nv reply and i call her many times and did''t answer and lastly i sent few more msg nad i dy guess what she reply i'm in class can't u stop bothering.... omg my sensitiveness start to come back.... is like i have a barrier dy and i thought been settle but no is like she just entertain me and thats all.... and i ask and she said yes yes yes and i msg the same question are we still together and she said other things.... using red hearing man.... is not answering the question.... untill she get angry i dunno as she nv want to face me face to face and just msg and ask me don't force her or else she wan to choose to let go o me... and i ask her is that the answer u wan and hence she said because i'm forcing her???? then i ask her wat u want and she said give her sometime omg how long she want to wait???? i said i give you two days or untill monday you give me the answer and she said why you must force me can't we be usual... and i ask wat is usual she said friend good friend.... and i said then u wan break up and choose him she nv answer and said y must u force me....and i said how long you wan me to wait and she reply i dunno need to wait and i said give me and answer... and she told me that she need time to see to give me and answer i said what u mean and she said she need to see the guy wat he is and u will be piss of by this and i won't blame u if u dunwan to wait....?? i said wat u mean is it until he propose then u only answer me??/ and she just answer i need time to see.... what??? is it i'm a backup if the guy really play her then she back to my side??? is it i'm her backup plan and i'm just a "pelampung" for her.. and i said so u choose him la is it... and if he dun propose then i'm ur pelampung and she just said dunno... then i said ok u just said are we together or what and she reply okokokokok lo since i want to ask she said ok fine friendslo satisfy mei... on that moment i dy calm down my heart and decided to ask ones more as comfirmation and i almost accept the decision and ask and said ok is it your final answer that you just wan to be friend??? and she said i think ur heart dy die. Since u will ask so... and i reply i love u more than words can said and my heart will die only u do the comfirmation as i need to respond to my family and friends since i dy told them u the one to them... and i dy let go dy and decided to go out and she suddenly reply K. As wt i said tis morning till now. i will con'tinue everything as usual bt jz add him as my fren n i jz normal . k? and i don't really understand and confuse what she trying to said and ask u mean me and you as friend? and she reply NO AH. As you wan.K? and after a while when i'm on the way out i msg her bye la... i go out with god sis...and she reply suddenly and said Is my answer sufficient to satisfy u. U a bye answer.... and i said i wan go out and we can be usual b4 cny n u still wan to go to his house??? and she reply yes. As what i told u. and i quite late reply and she sent a msg again and ask me what u want? is it be wif u, i got no contact wif others n can't go anyone else house to overnight or play? and all i could tell her is then as u promise the 10 commandment k... only god knw n u knw... bt i cn tell u if i heard n sense.. i will nt tolerate as we said frankly...n trust...upromised won't go behind my back this morning n tats all i need u to do... n reply my msg like wat u said...but frankly if ask 100 girls 99.9 also won't agree u go.. bt since u wan then u go.... others his history and i don;t wish to write de...... others might think i'm a stupid person because i still trust the girl and i still can bare the girl go to his house but since u love someone u will love unconditionally i know i might be stupid but love is like that love is blind and i'm blind in front of her... i dunno whether she is using me or what but i want to believe her and trust in her 1st but when if i really found something bad happen behind me and she is just playing with my feeling and use me as a backup. O Lord grant me wisdom and let me have the faith in YOU to help me get over it and for the god sake O Lord if she broke the 10 commandments that she had promised me to follow YOUR ORDER not to commit the commandments i hope that LORD will be mercyfull to spare her and let me deal with her and let me know the truth as O LORD YOU are the one i am seeking for the wisdom and courage and guildance and let me face her face to face by myself and the faith that i have in YOU LORD..... AMEN.... guys pray for me that she won't go behind my back and may her forget about him becoz she had told me she trying to get less time with him and let her faith in this relation grow back.....